Who do you tell and when?
The process of adoption usually takes a while; sometimes years. Who do you tell about the fact that you are planning to adopt? Who do you want to keep out of the loop until you have a child at home? Even if you are excited to share your steps in the process, you may get tired of saying various versions of “No, not yet”. You may need to tell your employer so that they can prepare for your absence; sometimes matches happen literally overnight. You might leave work one day with everything normal and call out for days/weeks/months the following morning because you had to fly across the country to bring a child home.
Childcare
So, now that this child is here, what do I do when I return to work? Unfortunately, many childcare facilities are limited in their spots, especially for infants. Many have wait lists you are supposed to join when you find out you are pregnant. This makes it very challenging for adoptive parents because they often do not know when a child is coming into their home until it happens. Sometimes, employers can be flexible with your schedule to allow you to work from home until you can find a placement. Sometimes, planning to hire a private nanny is the more reliable option. Often, the expense of adoption can make it challenging for families to also take on a monthly child-care expense so soon after placement. Considering how you will handle this in advance is advisable.
Attachment
The bond between children and their caregivers is crucial to development. So, how do you build attachment?
You may have heard that kids who were adopted never fully bond with their adoptive parents, or that they never think about their birth families because they are so happy where they are. Neither of these things is usually true; attachment between parents and children is complex. The good news is that there are things you can do to build a healthy attachment with your child. See the Learn More section for further reading on this topic.
Parental Leave
Many employers off parental leave that you are free to allocate in whatever way works best for your family. Perhaps everyone wants to stay home together to bond for a month and then parents can take turns staying home/going to work. Perhaps you are a single parent and want to take all your leave at once and return to work only when you must. There is no correct way to do this; whatever works for you and your family is the way to go.
Making a Nursery and Buying All the Stuff
Everyone handles this part differently. For some folks, it is an exciting part of their adoption process to set up a space for their child. For others, seeing a room without an occupant feels difficult. Generally, there are only a few things you REALLY need to adopt a child. We advise that you have/have a plan to quickly get the following:
Car Seat – sized for child (infant car seats usually work up to about 6 months old)
Diapers – hospitals often provide a few, but you will want to have some on-hand as well. Remember that not all babies are the same size; having some preemie and newborn options is smart.
Clothing – do not go nuts here – 3 outfits should be good for day one; you can get more later.
Bottles – Don’t worry about it! Hospitals usually provide you with a few bottles to take home and you can buy more when you are ready. (But remember that flying with liquids can be tricky…have a back-up plan in case your liquid formula gets confiscated)
What do you do while you wait?
The simple answer is, live your life. Because being matched can take months to years, you cannot live in constant anticipation. Travel, take classes, pursue your career goals; you can pivot to parenthood when you need to.
If you want something more adoption-focused to fill your time, you can take parenting classes, read books on parenting, or take webinars (see Learn More). You might also consider meeting with a counselor; now is a great time to work on any emotional baggage you might be carrying that you do not want to pass on to your child.
The Money
Parenting is expensive; everyone knows that. Adoption expenses show up a little differently, though. Typically, you need liquid funds in the order of several thousand dollars BEFORE you can adopt. You will need to pay any fees associated with getting your profile out to the world (agency, website, consultant, etc.), legal fees, and possibly even some birth parent expenses (see Glossary of Terminology). How you handle those costs is up to you. Some folks keep a savings account, some take out a personal loan, some use credit cards. Some people seek donations; frankly, this option can be problematic. While it can seem like it is coming from a good place, it can make adoption feel more transactional than family-building. Give a good long think about the donation route before you go that way.
Remember that every decision you make while you are waiting to adopt is a parenting decision you will want to be proud to tell your child about.
Why is adoption so hard?!
Because the desired result of adoption is a child in your home and life for the rest of their life, it needs to be a 100% legal adoption. To make it 100% legal, there are a lot of legal steps and guidelines applied to all parties involved. This means that you will do things you may have never done before, like provide 3 months of bank statements AND a 3 month budget AND a report on how you will handle the expenses once your child is home. You might need to get statements from your medical providers about your physical fitness to be a parent. You might need a federal background check. Sometimes, all the questions and documentation can feel like an invasion of privacy. Sometimes, it can breed resentment. In the end, though, you can proudly say that you LITERALLY have a license to parent.
Also, unless someone has gone through the process themselves, it is very hard to know how it feels to wait for a match and placement. People who love you and are, otherwise, awesome and amazing, are probably going to ask you some very uninformed questions. Sometimes, that might make you want to scream. Sometimes, you might be able to meet them with empathy and answer them in a way that educates and informs. Sometimes, you might do both! If you want to talk REAL TALK to someone who totally gets it, use the form below to connect with a real adoptive parent.
Holidays and The Wait
Waiting to adopt can be hard, especially when you have filled out all the paperwork, submitted all the pictures, and are literally just WAITING for a match. While annual holidays can be challenging because you are fielding questions from well-meaning-yet-ignorant relatives, you might find that you struggle with holidays you never thought about before now. Mother’s and Father’s Days can be emotional and tricky, as can any baby shower or pregnancy announcement. Have a plan in place for how you will handle big emotions that might pop up when these events come around.