Matched – a waiting family is matched with a birth family for placement of a child
Placed – a child has been placed in your care
Open Adoption – an adoption in which the legal documentation is always available. Open adoption can be broadened to include an adoptive family and birth family maintaining some level of connection with each other/the child
Closed Adoption – an adoption in which the legal documentation is not available until a child reaches the age of majority. This is far less common in modern adoption.
Disruption – a child has been matched/placed, when the birth family choses to parent. This can happen while the birth mom is still pregnant, or after the child is born. Different states have different rules on how long the birth family has to choose to parent. In Washington, the birth family has 2 business days after a child is placed with an adoptive family.
Finalization – the legal adoption of a child. This is done in a court of law in the state of the child’s birth, and can be done via teleconference if the adoptive family is now out-of-state. After finalization, a child is legally bound to their adoptive family. Often, an amended birth certificate is issued during this process; this typically has the child’s new legal name. After finalization, the child is 100% legally part of their adoptive family and no reversal of that is possible. Time from placement to finalization can take anywhere from 4-12+ months depending on the situation.
Parental Rights – birth families have the right to consider parenting their child. Each state has different rules about how long after placement a birth family has to consider their decision. In Washington, this time period is 2 business days. During this time, the child is in the care of their adoptive family but is legally bound to a social worker or similar entity. After the time period has elapsed, birth family parental rights are considered terminated and the child remains with their adoptive family. At this point in time, the adoptive family continues to care for the child, but the child is still legally bound to the social worker or similar entity. After finalization, the child is legally bound to their adoptive family.
Home Study – a legal document prepared by a social worker that reports the state of your home. Typically, these have a 1-year approval. If you are still waiting to match/place/finalize an adoption when your home study expires, you will be required to pay for a new one. Many agencies and consultants have home study processes they prefer to follow; if you think you may use one of these paths to adoption, wait to pay for a home study yourself so that you do not have to pay twice for the same document.
State Laws – laws about adoption vary from state to state. Often the birth family’s state and the adoptive family’s state will have laws that are similar but unique. ALL laws must be followed to transport a child across state lines and for a legal adoption to occur.
ICPC – Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children – Laws that must be followed that allow children to legally cross state lines before their adoption is finalized. Often, if your child is outside your state, you will have to stay with them in that state for 3-14 days before you can transport them home to your state while you await finalization. This often involves a last-minute hotel or house rental where you and your child can stay while you wait for legal processes to be completed. If you need to fly home with your child, you will want copies of ALL relevant paperwork to show any airport security personnel that you have the legal right to transport the child.
ICWA – Indian Child Welfare Act – Sadly, there is a history of Native American children being “adopted” by non-native families and then subjected to various abuses including being stripped of their native culture and language. As part of the reparations process for this wrong, if a child may have Native American heritage, the priority is to keep the child connected to their tribe. When parents who are not Native American, or who are from a different tribe, wish to adopt, the child’s potential tribe has the right to research the child’s heritage and to attempt to place the child with a family of the same tribal heritage. This process can be short or lengthy. If you are out-of-state for your adoption, you will likely need to wait there until this process can be completed to bring the child back to your state.
Scams – sadly, adoption scams happen. Often, using an agency or attorney can help protect you from such things. If you are going a more independent route, be very cautious around anyone asking you to pay for their expenses while pregnant, or other forms of financial support. While it is sometimes important AND LEGAL to pay birth families during pregnancy/hospitalization, you should have a clear contract on what is expected. In particular, avoid giving money directly to a birth family. You can pay someone’s rent, electric bill, or doctor’s bills directly; you do not need to send that money to the person. It should go without saying that it is illegal to purchase a child.
Interracial Adoption – any adoption in which the child and the adoptive parent(s) are of different races. While very common, interracial adoption can come with extra issues to consider. For example, if your child’s skin color is different than your own, you may be mistaken for not being their parent. Perhaps your child’s ethnicity is not well-represented where you live; you may need to do some extra work to help them connect with their heritage. You may need to navigate forms of racism that are new to you. There are LOTS of resources to educate yourself on how to navigate interracial parenting, many from adult adoptees. Check out our Resources page for more information.
Prenatal Substance Exposure (PSE) – any chemical exposure to a fetus while they are in the uterus. MANY children, both adopted and not, have had PSEs. There is a very wide variation in how, or even if, PSEs affect the child as they develop. It is up to you to determine your level of comfort with different levels of exposure and their consequences. The most important thing to remember is that PSEs can cause both short-term effects (ex: withdrawal from amphetamines after birth) and long-term effects (ex: neurodiversity or learning disabilities). Either way, you are this child’s parent and it is your job to find them the support(s) they need to be their best.
ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) – stressful or traumatic events in childhood that can negatively affect wellbeing throughout a person’s life. Every child who is adopted has some degree of this; even if a child has been with you since the day they were born, research shows that there is trauma related to their birth family not parenting them.
Neurodiversity – the range of differences in brain function and behavioral traits experienced by different people. This term is often used in association with autism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and attention deficit disorder. There is a genetic component to neurodiversity, and many PSEs can cause traits that appear in neurodivergence. Sometimes, a neuropsychological evaluation is the only way to know how much is due to PSEs vs. ACEs vs. Genetics.
While we are on the topic of vocabulary, here are some phrases we don’t really love:
Gave up for adoption – Can imply a lack of care on the part of the birth family; that is rarely the case. Most often, a child is placed in an adoptive family because a birth family cannot parent the child.
They look just like you! – Anyone going through adoption to build their family has zero expectation of their child looking like them. Furthermore, saying this with a positive/complimentary tone this implies that children looking like their parents (aka biological children) is the better/desired outcome.
She’s so lucky to have you – No. I am lucky to be her parent. She is my child because of a trauma in her own life when her birth family could not parent her; that is NOT lucky for her. That is sad.
Real parents – All their parents are real; none of us are imaginary. You might be trying to talk about biological parents/birth families/first families vs. Adoptive parents/second families.
Where did you get him? – Often asked when a child does not look like they are the same race as their parent. If you HAVE to ask, try: How did your family come together?
Are your kids siblings? – This is usually a variation on the biological vs. adoptive question.
Was it from a teen mom? – This is a really common assumption that gets reinforced in the media. The reality is that many children placed for adoption come from mature adults who make the decision to place their child with another family because they cannot, for whatever reason, parent the child themselves. Also, please do not call my child “it”.